Following My 'Yes' and Accepting My 'Self'
There is nothing linear about the creative soul's journey. It is a haphazard roller coaster; thankfully, my intuition keeps me safe...mostly...but my attachment style doesn't.
I went walking this morning. I gathered up my furry charge and headed down to the town basin, where the fog sat on all the boats, and the sun sat on all the fog. I’m trying to paint a picture in your mind’s eye of a setting befitting deep contemplation and epiphany, so if this isn’t doing that, please visualise your own…I will begin…
I slept well last night. I ate lots of green stuff yesterday and drank lots of water. My morning pages flowed, meditation didn’t go off on too many stressful tangents, and stretching was easy because yesterday’s Thai massage was still in my body. So, I am physically, emotionally, psycho-spiritually, and creatively primed to soak up any soul juice coming my way. Enter psychologist Dr Marisa G. Franco talking to Glennon, Abby, and Sister talking on the WCDHT podcast about friendship and attachment styles.
I love it when my intuitive self is in the lead. I follow the ‘yes’ without worldly angst. I make big life decisions effortlessly. I choose jobs, relationships, books, art, and podcasts with it. I feel purposefully in my flow when I heed my intuition. I am alive, blissful, full of gratitude…until the day-spa music grinds scratchingly to a halt.
AirPods in my ears, I soon feel uncomfortable…but what about the scene I just set? Surely new wisdom will settle like a soft, warm, infinitely comfortable wrap draped around my shoulders by the Universe as I sit at the fireside of the soul’s evolution. No. It doesn’t work like that. To change any thinking, current thinking has to be challenged, and that feels more like a scratchy woollen jumper that has been shrunk in the clothes drier being jammed over your head by a mother in a hurry.
My little friend pees frequently beside me; every time her little feet hit the grass verge, she has a Pavlovian response to the sensory input and squats without thinking. Oh, but humans are too highly evolved for that, aren’t we? Apparently not. It turns out I have been doing similar in the attachment space for an embarrassing number of decades without figuring it out, not peeing frequently, but responding to sensory input without thinking. Or at least not thinking about the ‘actual’ or ‘accurate’ reasons for my responses.
I have an avoidant attachment style. Why hasn’t someone told me about this? Don’t answer that, especially if you are someone who has tried to point it out to me before. Although I don’t have an anxious attachment style, I congratulate myself. I cringe and sweat a bit as I am reflected in the mirror, inadvertently held up by the people in my ears. My ego has very little time in the sun as I discover that both anxious and avoidant styles stem from a fear of rejection. Gulp. But my avoidant aloof response is better than anxious clinging, isn’t it? This is not the point. What is more relevant is that it comes from somewhere, and you guessed it, childhood, previous trauma, and maybe some genes; it is triggered by and manifests as abandonment. The scratchy jumper reaches peak discomfort as I realise both my parents also have avoidant attachment styles.
Oh. My. God.
Inside my private courtroom, I have held them to account for so much abandonment throughout my life, but if I didn’t know I had an avoidant attachment style until now, how could they have ever known? As I realise that neither of them could ever have had access to this mirror, I know it is time to call it something in me and stop blaming them.
What happened to my lovely morning? I look up and out towards the harbour, where the fog has lifted - such a fitting metaphor - how can I retrieve my serenity? Although, I notice that I am accepting this new information without shame and with a deep regard for my beautiful brokenness. This is new. I don’t spend the rest of my walk beating myself up. I spend it assimilating this new information and committing to exploring it further. I think about all the abrupt exits I have made recently, wondering what the people in my life think of me being there one minute and gone without warning the next. I explore my relationship landscape and, at the same time, frequently tap my AirPod three times to take the podcast back fifteen seconds because I am worried I have missed crucial information while I float away with my musing.
I start to make a plan. When I return to my writing space, I will reach out to people I have left hanging of late. I will email and text people back, bite the bullet and follow up on suggestions to meet socially. According to Dr Franco, connecting with friends is way more powerful than all the solo morning rituals in the world - although they’re good, we need more than that.
Later, parked in the garage, I sent my first text.
I was almost unstoppable after that. I firmed up a couple of social engagements, got in touch with people I like but am in the early stages of a new friendship with, and I logged onto a new writer’s forum/platform that I joined yesterday called Heal & Create and wrote in the ‘about me’ section on my profile;
Hi everyone, I'm way down here in New Zealand but also way up here in this magical space, I feel I was meant to find. I'm a writer trying to write my first book, a feminist and a doctor (GP). I'm a very high-scoring HSP, an INFJ, Enneagram 4, Aquarius ( a queer ass) and every other thing that makes you feel everything all at once. In saying that, I just listened to the podcast WCDHT and resonated with the avoidant attachment style – ouch. I hope to work on that and look forward to connecting here.
Look at me go. The love came back to me. I am ok. I will be ok.
This life we have is a beautiful thing. We can find meaning and purpose and share it with others. We get to love and feel gratitude as often as we want to. We can arrive sweaty in our matted, scratchy, ill-fitting jumper, and vulnerability will welcome, soothe, and reparent us. There is nothing to fear. Everything we need to know is waiting.
Following My 'Yes' and Accepting My 'Self'
Look at you go!! I'm resonating on so many levels, including recognizing my own avoidance attachment style. Yikes and thanks! So much to dig into and say "Yes" to. Thanks for such great food for thought and the link to that podcast.
Avoidance big time going on here! But I am starting to kick some ass. :) Nearly 60 years of it to unpack though so I'm giving myself the time and space. When will we have support in place for primary school children to process trauma in a safe space? Keep up the big steps sister and thank you for sharing and in turn encouraging. xo