A Love Letter to My People
To those who knew they loved me before I loved myself and those I have found since.
I wrote a piece recently about the ecstasy of aloneness and other discoveries I have made since travelling solo. A friend got in touch after I posted it and said, “I have read this in the context of where you are right now, and it seems to me you have fallen in love with yourself”, and I realised she was entirely correct.
I set off on this journey three months ago, which some people lovingly called my “Eat, Pray, Love trip”, and I jokingly responded, “No. It is my Eat Prey Alive Tour.” It wasn’t really. I knew it would be my path to healing, but I didn’t know what form that would take. I simply responded to my heart and let it pull me in the right direction. It began with registering for a workshop in upstate New York called “The Art of New Creation” and continues as I sit here in Bali feeling intense gratitude for all the people who have been part of my story.
I separated a year ago, and transitioning from partnered to single is NEVER easy. But I didn’t recognise me anymore, and I desperately needed to. I had isolated myself, and my heart connections with my people had become like the faded ink of a forgotten love letter. A yearning filled me, and I knew I had to step off the cliff and have faith I would be caught on the wings of a rising bird. In modern activity, that looked like getting on a plane with a one-way ticket. Later, that metaphor would be described to me as trusting that no matter how small the door that opens is, it will lead to another one if you step through.
There were people who loved me onto that plane. I could feel them celebrate my tender new heart and found them beside me when days were shit. I saw you, I see you, I thank you. It was the beginning of trusting love differently. But I also knew that much of this trip would be about continuing my exploration of solitude and the insights it would bring. I never realised I would find and feel so much during it, but all those moments were necessary, and I strung them like precious beads onto the necklace of my recreation.
I have wrestled with a paler version of myself that came too close to accepting the fading light of life’s dusk. Someone who had wondered if it was time to pull the curtains and take that juiciness and vibrancy were a thing of the past. I looked at the flesh of this person and wondered if transformation was even possible, given how I frowned in the mirror. Where was I? How did my decision to lead with the creative look like a compromise? I should be my first creative priority, but I was denying myself the intravenous sensuality necessary to achieve that. I didn’t believe I had access to it anymore. Why do we give it up? Why do we think it is the domain of youth? What the fuck had I bought into? Where was my edge and swagger - the parts of me that added emphasis to my intention? I wanted them back.
But there was also the lifelong narrative about worthiness. It needed serious work if I was going to reimagine myself, and it probably started with permission. When I told myself it was okay if I didn’t do everything I said I was going to in this life. It was allowing myself to be still, not producing, not distracting. I could sit in the garden of my bed and breakfast in my beloved Bomerano and think for the whole day if I wanted. I could read a book and cry for hours at any poignancy that struck me. I could accept the sweat and take small, loving steps towards being serene in my skin. And dare I hope, languid and sultry again…just for fun and the aliveness…but also for the space that enables creativity to move.
And it has been small, loving steps taken alongside moments of kindness from sometimes the briefest connections. If we look up, the people we are meant to cross paths with are before us. They are positioned to cheerlead our progress as we do for others without realising it. Being mindful of this kindness infuses and elevates our experience; a new gem is forged for the necklace.
Then, the periods of respite with old friends whose love I have rested in for half of my life. You saw me, Mike, all those years ago, and you loved me even when I didn’t love myself. I remember once in Byron Bay, you described me as a thistle (my first tattoo to represent our friendship), prickly on the outside but soft and fluffy inside. You saw me. I love you for that. Most of the prickles have gone now, but I’ll keep a few nearby. And Ali, our reconnection is so precious to me…we were meant to have many seasons together.
I walked ‘El Camino’ (the way) with my sister, and we each had different struggles. We agreed that a pilgrimage is unique, painful, and glorious for every person who takes one. I learned to be as honest as possible, even if that meant I had no idea why I was struggling so much. I decided to stop after two hundred kilometres. Had I not stopped, the magic that followed could never have happened.
We drove to Madrid after the walk, and when we got there, someone I didn’t know very well handed me an essential ingredient for my recovery. I saw her integrity and generous heart and trusted what she told me. We are kindred spirits.
I have found old soul mates. Amelia, I know we have known each other in past lives. You are so full of grace, and your heart beats to a rhythm of the purest love. You will transcend the hard stuff because it is written in your stars. I don’t give two fucks how batshit this sounds, but your very presence in my life now and forever is meant to be. My home is your children’s home, always. Anthony, your soul saw mine and called to me. I will be eternally grateful for finding a spiritual teacher in you. I had given up hope, but the teacher arrives when the student is ready. You told me I am the ‘wholest’ person you have ever met; it was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. I am here. I will always be here.
Your acceptance of your unconventional mother means more to me than anything, my beautiful children. You fortify me against judgment. I watch the way you travel through this life, and my heart swells to a size that is impossible to confront. You are my living proof that magic does exist. Finn, you say you love how much I love, so here it is. I love you more than anything. You are the most important people in my life.
And now me…the loveliest of souls, I have come to love you like I love my children. I am fiercely protective of your heart. I will continue to help you make the wisest and most beautiful choices for people to have in your life. I will rub your shoulder when you are talking too harshly to yourself. How often I will forgive you will not be counted because it is a given. You have the heart of a lion and a lover, and your people know that.
Yeah, it sounds like I’ve found some good drugs in Bali…I have.
Loved reading this piece. You are definitely a rare, beautiful soul. Your words and journey inspire me.
Keep being you ❤️
Beautiful Melissa. So happy for you and your journey. Be true to You always.